My Vows

 

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I have been dreading this post for a very long time now. Even though things worked out, some of the memories and hurt are still raw.

I wish I could say this was love at first sight.
I wish I could say this was from a fairy tale.
I wish I could say that this has been the most happiest experience in my life.
But I can’t say any of those things and once you finish reading, you’ll understand why.

Javier and I have always known of each other from meetings at our Kingdom Hall but we did not actually befriend one another until seven years ago. We instantly became best friends and spent so many good times together.
As best friends, I saw the good, the bad, the ugly, the heartbreak and disappointments Javier faced. I remained by his side through it all.
Whether it was personal, girl problems, or just needing to vent, I fondly remember staying up and sacrificing my sleep just to assure him things would be okay and that I was proud of him no matter what obstacle came.

As the years passed by, I grew close to his family to the point of where I felt like a sister. Sometimes people even mistook me for being a Garcia and not a Vargas.
As the years went by, our bond grew closer and our foundation for friendship was never stronger. In my eyes, we were strictly platonic and there was never anything more.

I had been asked, questioned and even teased about Javier having a crush on me but I never suspected anything because he was just a good friend. The way he treated me, he treated all his female friends. At least that’s how I viewed it until it was brought to my attention that Javier placed me on a pedal stool in comparison to his other female friends.

I started really paying attention to him and how he treated me, how he talked to me, how he introduced me to his friends and coworkers the few times I stopped by and I didn’t really notice any significant changes but after meditating on things and really dissecting previous actions Javier took, I started questioning things too. I put those thoughts in the back of my mind and ignored them.

Then one day everything changed.

I prayed because I didn’t want our friendship to change.
I prayed because I didn’t want our friendship to end.
I prayed because I didn’t feel the same way for Javier initially.
I prayed because I wasn’t in the right place in my life to even think about dating.
I prayed because I was scared and I knew that no matter what happened, nothing would ever be the same again.

Even though Javier initially tried to deny his feelings for me, he also felt he could no longer bear them in.
I felt very overwhelmed and dropped my phone and didn’t know what to do.
I snapped out of it and assured him it was just a crush and that since he was at a crucial age, things would change rapidly and so would emotions.
I guaranteed him what you want at 18 is not what you want at 21 and what you want at 25 is not what you want at 30.

From the beginning he was persistent that what he felt wasn’t temporary and that even though the timing wasn’t right and my feelings for him were not there, that maybe some day they would be.

We prayed together, we prayed individually and we came to the conclusion that we would speak to our parents to let them know that our friendship would come to a halt and why we no longer would be spending time together anymore.
We ended our friendship with the note that if Jehovah wanted this, wanted us together someday, that HE would make it happen down the road.

We agreed we would no longer hang out, text, call, take pictures, study together, or plan any future things and we didn’t have a designated date of when we would.
We even decided to not hug at meetings anymore and that if we happened to see each other, we would look the other way.

While I won’t go into too many details, know that after we expressed everything to our family, we had opposition on both sides. We even faced strong opposition from “friends.”

I was not baptized at the time, I was only an unbaptized publisher and had been for some time but was a few steps away from baptism. I was older than Javier. I was not the ideal candidate to date for my place spiritually and also emotionally. (I am not the most affectionate, expressive or loving type of woman.)

I had to face multiple people, very harsh words and abusive speech, judgment, ridicule and that’s not to mention the cold shoulders, silent treatments, ugly looks and disassociation I endured.
It was as if I was shunned.
Things got so bad that the very conversation of me getting baptized at the next assembly was pushed back and it was over a year before I could even bring up the subject again.

I went to meetings and carried on in life and felt like an outsider. I no longer was the bold, confident, strong Rocio I once was.
I was no longer wanted or welcomed with certain people anymore.
I was so discouraged spiritually, I even considered not studying anymore.
I got to the point where I really asked myself if I should leave the truth all together. (Keep in mind I am the only member in my family who is in the truth.)
I felt so alone and heartbroken.
I felt I had lost everything.

As if things weren’t difficult enough, I watched and heard through mutual friends that Javier was going on with his life. Partying, meeting other young women, growing as a young man and living a life without me and though it hurt, I had to let it.

I never wanted a relationship with anyone. I built my life revolved around me and my service to Jehovah. I never wanted to rely on any man for anything. It was not my desire to date or to be in love.

But why did I feel this way?

I cried nearly every day in 2015.
It was as if the tears I had saved up from all my years in life had finally been released.
I can’t say I’ve had a very hard life but I have gone through some very difficult hardships and even with those trials, my life had never been more of a mess with all that went on with Javier.
I was completely unstable and I didn’t know how to fix anything.

Even though Javier would try and speak with me at meetings, leave me little hints that he still cared, I felt I could no longer fight this fight.
I felt defeated.

Because of everything going on and the absence of everyone, I truly learned how to rely on God.
Never in my life had I talked to Jehovah so much.
From the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep, I talked to Jehovah.
In 2015, I really learned what it meant to feel Jehovah as my father, to be his child and to know that he felt every single emotion I felt and why I felt it.
I did not question why everything was happening, I just prayed for better days ahead.

2016

Not only did I publicly declare my life to Jehovah and get baptized in 2016, I was able to auxiliary pioneer and Javier and I were able to mend our friendship once again.
We did not rush into a relationship.
We had to yet again take more time to work on our friendship and make up for all the missed time.

The days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years and it was evident to everyone who opposed that this was not a simple “crush,” they initially thought it was.

In 2017, Javier asked me to be his girlfriend the day after he turned 20.
In 2018, Javier asked me to share my life with him and finally asked me to marry him.

We have loved, we have lost, we have cried together, we have cried apart, we have dealt with negativity, we have overcame and we have had to do all of that and more to get to this point in our life.
Javier is my loyal love.
Just as much as I could have given up on him, he could have given up on me.
True love waits.

Seven years of being best friends, three years of being in love, over a year of courtship and one hundred days until we say, “I do.”

The lesson I can share with you all is that sometimes Jehovah gives us things we never knew we wanted. Things we could have never imagined in life if it wasn’t for him.
I fell in love with someone younger than me who has treated me better than anyone I knew my same age, younger and older.
I never wanted to settle for anything less than I deserved with anything in life and after years of cherishing my solitude, at 26 I live confidently knowing I did not have to settle with a partner for the rest of my life. Never settle.

While we will not read our vows at our ceremony, I wanted to share them here.

My Vows

“Javier,

We have come a very long way and Jehovah knows if I wasn’t serving him with a full heart, I would have never reached this day.
You are everything I never knew I wanted.
You have cherished me and accepted me for years and you saw my true potential when everyone else passed me by or never gave me a chance.
I will never know what you saw in me but I am so grateful that you did.
Life is very hard and this world is very cruel but you make my life bearable.
Our love is just that, o u r love. Just you and I.
I vow to not ever let anyone come in between it.
I vow to not give up or give in with things get difficult.
I vow to never forget our past and to keep enduring.
I vow to remain loyal to you.
I vow to give up my freedom and independence for you.
I vow to be your companion eternally.
I vow to never violate you or lose your trust.
I vow to serve my life to Jehovah with you.
I vow to love you for the rest of my days.
I vow to be your wife, not until your last day but until my very last day.
I vow to forevermore be crazy, stupid, and hopelessly in love with you.”

Wholeheartedly,

Future Mrs. Garcia

milk and honey

milk and honey by rupi kaur

This is one of those books that everyone has heard about even if they haven’t read it yet. It looks like a book but it is a collection of poems and prose’ and actually became a #1 New York Times Bestseller.

Without giving so many details away, the book is about hurt, love, loss, and healing. It discusses personal experiences and emotions that each and every one of us can relate to. Whether it is abuse, neglect, pain, heartache, betrayal, happiness, confidence, femininity, adornment, it is something I would highly recommend everyone to read at least once in their life.

It may make you cry, it may make you take a few moments to meditate on and it may make you blush but if you are open minded to reading a real and raw type of book, this book is for you.

If you have Amazon Prime, you may be able to download it free of charge and if you are like me and need the physical book, you can get a copy here.

Here is one of my favorite excerpts from milk and honey:

With love,

-R. Vargas

Four Generations

The engagement ring that I now wear has been passed down from generation to generation in my family.
It belonged to my great grandmother and a few months before Javier and I got engaged, the ring was passed down to me.

This ring is from the early 1940’s so when it was given to me, it was not in the best condition. It needed to be repaired and adjusted in more than one way but to know that I was trusted with this ring meant everything to me.
A ring is just a ring but to know that the generation of women who wore it before me stayed with their husbands until death, it’s very heavy.

When I received this ring, I knew this was the ring I wanted to wear throughout my marriage.
Prior to the engagement, Javier had the engagement ring and wedding band repaired, resized, added diamonds, polished and cleaned for the proposal.
I had only saw the rings in the original state so when Javier proposed, I was mesmerized at how beautiful the rings turned out to be.

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I look down at my ring and think of the dedication and hard work the women who wore it before me put into their marriage and how their examples have shown me the  capable wife I can and will become.

“Who can find a capable wife?
Her value is far more than that of corals.
Her husband trusts her from his heart,
And
he lacks nothing of value.
She rewards him with good, not bad,
All the days of her life.”

– Proverbs 31:10-12

With love,

– R. Vargas

Our One Year Anniversary

Earlier this month, Javier and I celebrated our one year anniversary and it was the most thoughtful and considerate date Javier has ever planned for us.

Once I walked inside his house, he had me close my eyes and led me outside where a candlelit table was waiting for us.

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Once I sat down, Javier served me steak and asparagus that he cooked specifically for this occasion.

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We talked and enjoyed each others company and ate our delicious meal and then Javier excused himself to go to the bathroom.
When he came back he brought out a card and told me that what it contained came from a letter he wrote three years ago but was not able to share it with me at the time because the time was not right. (I will continue this story in another post.)

I reached out for the card to read but he told me he would like to read it to me. It was the loveliest card he had ever wrote to me and even though I would like to keep what it said private, the words were strong enough to make someone cry.

When he was finished reading, I stood up to give him a hug and as we embraced I felt Javier shift and reach in his pocket and watched as he kneeled down and said, “Rocio, will you marry me?”

I smiled but was in shock as I looked at the ring in the box. When he stood up to place the ring on my finger, I said very loudly, “FINALLY!”
It has taken so long to get to this point in our lives but we are here.
We are engaged!

As we embraced, we heard loud screaming from behind the fence that startled us both and all at once we saw someone fall over the fence and two others walk through the gate. Once they got closer to the light, I realized it was Javier’s brother and two best friends.

Apparently Javier had planned for our best friends to celebrate with us after he proposed. He made a huge dinner and invited them over to sneak in the house while him and I had dinner in his backyard. His best friends apparently couldn’t wait and snuck outside behind the fence and recorded Javier reading that card to me and proposing.
After we all went inside, I was greeted by my best friends with balloons, cake, bottles, gifts and bouquets.

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We all celebrated together before we made our announcement public and it was very nice to live in the moment and be surrounded by our loving and supportive best friends.
We received so much love and kind words after we finally announced our engagement and Javier and I are both so very fortunate and thankful for everyone who has taken time to congratulate us.

While I am a very private person, I will share a few posts in the next few weeks about our relationship and how far we have come together, how special my ring is, our wedding plan and how my life will be changing as I prepare to become a wife.

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We are beyond thankful for all the family, friends and even strangers that have been so kind and supportive of us as we plan for our future together.

Thank you for reading,

R. Vargas

The Sixth Month Mark

Today marks Javier’s and I’s six month anniversary.

While I know it’s not a huge milestone, it’s still something special to us because of the history we have.

We thought we’d share a little of what we have learned from dating in the last six months.

She says….

  • “Dating has been a lot more challenging than I thought it would be. I knew it would be difficult but I had no idea at how hard it would be.”
  • “There will be days where you want to quit, you want to give up, you want to go back to being single but those days will be outweighed by all the great days that have happened and that have yet to happen.”
  • “People won’t respect your relationship, not everyone will be happy. People will try to interfere, you will lose friends. BUT none of that will matter to you. You don’t let anyone ruin your relationship. Not family, not friends, not strangers, not exes, no one.”

He says….

  • “Personally I’ve learned to be more organized. More patient.”
  • “I feel humbled. I think before we started dating officially, I thought it would be a breeze but I know there’s a lot of work involved.”
  • “I’ve learned to be more grateful and I’ve tried to be more thoughtful.”

Here’s to six months and hopefully many more to come!

-R. Vargas

 

All photos were shot and edited by Jannet Medellin.

Shulammitegirl Snaps: June

During the month of June, I:

• Surprised my boyfriend with a date where we went to a batting cage & rode go karts.

• Had our family worship over purple triangle history and went to the Dallas Holocaust Museum Center.

• Climbed about 20 flights of stairs just for the view.

• Hosted an Italian themed movie night.

Xoxo,

-R. Vargas

Quote of the Day: 



“I think you need to fall in love with the wrong person. I think you need to fight and cry and sweat and bleed and fail. I think you need to have bad relationships and bad breakups. I think you need all of that so when the right person comes along you can sigh with relief and say, “Ah yes. That is how it’s supposed to feel.” 

– Excerpt from, “Conversations with my Mother” ❤️🌻