It’s been awhile since my last post and I took some time off from my social media outlets because I found out that I was expecting and since it is very new to me, I wanted to take time away and not have any distractions and truly embrace this intimate time.
I kept my pregnancy a secret and my husband and I only shared it with our closest friends and family during our first trimester and once I reached the end of it, we made an announcement to the public.
When Javier and I were dating, he knew going into this relationship that I wanted to have children someday. Initially, he knew I wanted children but he didn’t know I lived with a fear of infertility for years until we got married.
Where this fear came from, I have no idea. I guess the fact that many women in my family have had or suffered from ovarian issues/emergency hysterectomy’s and other health issues scared me into thinking I would have those type of issues too. I was not sexually active before marriage and since I got married at a later time in my life (26) I had no idea if I could even produce a child of my own. I know it sounds silly but until you feel it yourself, you’ll never know.
My husband and I made a deal that our first year of marriage it would just be us and we would truly enjoy ourselves before we started working on our own family.
Once our anniversary was upon us, I stopped taking birth control and prayed that no matter how long it took, we would be blessed with a child someday.
You’ll never know the shock I felt once I did the math and realized it took us less than a month of trying before I found out I was pregnant.
The week I was supposed to have my menstrual cycle I was a few days late but I didn’t think anything because I thought it was just stress delaying it. The day it was supposed to start, several tornadoes hit my hometown and my brother got into a car accident and my husband and I stayed overnight with him at the hospital.
Two days passed and I still didn’t think of anything until I remembered I had a pregnancy test leftover from a previous kit under my bathroom sink.
Within seconds of putting the cap on it and placing it on the bathroom counter to wait the three minutes I was supposed to wait, I saw the positive sign and thought to myself, “No way!” I was in disbelief and didn’t know what to do. I knew I needed more to convince me so I grabbed my keys and drove to the nearest Walgreens and bought another kit. It seemed like it took forever to get home but once I took the other two test within an hour of each other and saw they all read positive, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I couldn’t even see straight.
I would have ran to my moms to tell her and ask what I should do now but she was in Mexico with my father and I decided to not tell her over the phone.
I was shaking and still a little on the fence about the tests. I needed a doctor to confirm my pregnancy.
I knew Javier was on his way home from work and I didn’t know whether to tell him as soon as he got home or to wait until a doctor confirmed it. We have no secrets in our marriage so I decided to lay out the pregnancy tests I took on a small jumper I bought in Mexico a month before while on our anniversary trip to surprise him.
I called him in the bathroom once I heard him come through the door and he was already confused because I never like him in the bathroom when I’m in there. He slowly came in and didn’t know what was wrong with me until I pointed to the counter and once he realized what it was, he gasped in a way I’ve never seen before.
I’m surprised neither one of us cried but I think we were in too much of a shock to cry. I can’t even begin to explain the rush of emotions I felt and I still feel. In all the excitement that night, I told him for us not to celebrate or tell anyone until a doctor confirmed it.
(I was able to get in last minute with my doctor the very next day.)
That night we couldn’t contain ourselves. We started doing the math and purging the internet for possible due dates. We started making all these plans and thought of what names we would like. We prayed together and held each other through the night.
When I was able to see my doctor that day she was so excited because she knew I had been wanting to try for a baby after our first year of marriage. She had advised me to start taking prenatal vitamins once I stopped taking birth control which I had been and told me once she got my blood results back that she would let me know the very next day.
She must have been so excited to let me know the news because she let me know that night, during after hours!
I called Javier immediately since he closed at work that night and told him the news, that we were in fact pregnant!
My dream of becoming a mother was coming true finally after all these years of uncertainty and doubt. Now what was next?
The fear of having a miscarriage set in.
I wanted to feel so many things when I found out I was pregnant right at 4 weeks but as I read more and more online, I realized that just as quick as I got pregnant, it could quickly be taken away from me and there was nothing I could do about it.
I was so scared and anxious. My eyes would swell with tears just thinking of losing this precious tiny baby inside of me. My husband did his best to reassure me but nothing helped. I tried to limit what I read online and the time I spent online but I felt I was driving myself mad.
I hadn’t been feeling any major pregnancy symptoms and started doubting if I was even pregnant anymore.
I was on a forum online and read how a few women around the world were feeling exactly how I was feeling at the same time and someone wrote, “Just take it day by day. Don’t you want your little one knowing you loved it every single day it was here instead of wasting time being unhappy or scared?”
It hit me, if I was to lose this precious baby at any given time during my pregnancy , I wanted him/her to know I loved it until it’s very last day.
Once I slowly started to feel more confident about it, I felt I could breathe again. That was until I started spotting more and more and saw what looked like mucus/tissue when I wiped.
I was at work and sat in the bathroom stall texting Javier and trying to fight back tears as I prepared myself for what was about to come. I called my OBGYN who I was not supposed to see for the first time until the following week and begged to see if she could see me that day.
By God’s grace I was able to be seen and once I was in the room and the doctor showed me a baby on screen moving and moving and a heart beating, I truly realized there was something inside of me growing. (9 weeks)
While my fear of a miscarriage still remained, I tried to not take any day for granted and loved this baby as much as I could. I started telling myself daily affirmations as I walk to my car early in the morning while I am leaving for work. I chant, “I am strong, I will carry this baby. I will deliver a safe and healthy baby.”
I go to the library and check out children’s books that I read to my belly weekly. I play lullabies each morning on my way to work. I hold my stomach even though I can’t feel him or her yet. I talk to him/her when I’m alone. I dream and aspire of what he or she will grow up to be.
I’m taking all the right steps to show my baby that no matter how long I have with them, they have been loved each and every day of their life.
Today I am 13 weeks and yesterday at my second doctors appointment, I was able to hear my babies heartbeat and felt at peace.
As I exit my first trimester and enter my second I wanted to share what I have been feeling:
- I am hungry all the time.
- I have had what feels like hot flashes.
- I have had a ton of bloating and gas.
- I have had implantation bleeding and some spotting.
- All I want to do is sleep.
- I am very tired all time, even after I have slept for hours.
- My sense of smell has heightened.
- I have the worst lower back pain.
- Some nausea, no morning sickness or vomiting yet.
- Tender breasts.
- I cried because I could not fit in certain clothes and during some commercials.
- My hair is so oily.
- I crave spicy food and snacks every single day.
I know that every pregnancy is different and no two women go through the exact same thing. Each pregnancy and each woman should feel validated in what they are feeling and going through.
Maybe some of you who are reading this are in the same boat as me right now; pregnant and afraid yet happy.
Maybe some of you who are reading are feeling what I felt before; doubting yourself and abilities to get pregnant. Living in fear even.
Maybe some of you who are reading are trying for a baby right now and have been for some time.
We all live with these fears and even when you overcome one, another one surfaces.
Whether you believe in a higher power or not, have some faith that you are exactly where you need to be right now and you will get to where you want to be at the right time and at the right place in your life soon.