They say that the first year of marriage is always the hardest, being selfish I kept thinking, “What will our biggest test be? Will we have major financial issues? Will we start arguing? Will something get in the way of our spiritual routine?”
Never in a million years would I have imagined losing our best friend.
It has been almost a month since we lost our beloved J. Jones and while we find comfort in knowing his mind and heart are no longer in constant pain, it still does not take away our pain. It was hard enough to lose him but it devastates us even more to know that he was in so much pain, he decided to end it all and took his own life.
There’s not a day, an hour or minute that goes by that I don’t think of him, think of that horrid day, his last words to me and the final parting. While I will not share any details about his death, our last exchange of words confirmed that he left this world knowing that even if he wasn’t loved by everyone in the world, he always knew he was loved by my husband and I.
June 30th of this year, we would have celebrated our 8 year friendniversary. We’ve grown a lot in the last 8 years both together and individually. While we grew individually, Jehovah God drew us to one another again and our last few years, months and weeks together as a trio were filled with so much love and laughter. We find some solace in reminiscing on all of our good memories where we were all happy together.
J. Jones had been taking the right steps to seek help for his depression and he should be commended. Not many are brave enough to seek help let alone admit they need help. Through the good, the bad, the ugly and the rock bottom, J. Jones was and still is very loved. At times it may have been difficult for him to see it, to feel it, to hear or even notice it but it was and still is there.
Some may say he gave up, some may say that he was a coward or that he didn’t appreciate life but he endured and suffered in silence for many years.
J. Jones ran this race we call life and he ran until he couldn’t run anymore. He may not have reached the finish line but he reached his finish line. He is safe in Jehovah’s memory and others who think and feel differently about suicide are unimportant.
Jehovah God saw and knew how much sorrow filled J. Jones heart and no one and I mean no one, knew how deeply J. Jones felt. If you’re reading this and think you may have an idea of how he felt, let me assure you that you do not. Only Jehovah knows and trying to give your opinion of what “might have been wrong,” or trying to dig deep into his life now that he is gone is pointless. He is gone from this world and conscious of nothing at all. (Eccl. 9:5)
I’ve taken time away from my blog, my Instagram and phone and when I find the strength to look at his Instagram profile, it sickens me to see that his follower count has gone up after he has passed away. To see his last post, all the comments of people talking to him as if he is reading somewhere, seeing how many “likes” each comment gets as if to compete with whomever has the saddest comment, it angers me. I know I can’t control what others say, do or even post now but he wanted peace so let him have his peace.
People who are reading this have more than likely already commented on his post or have reached out to us to ask if we know any details of what happened, try and give us their opinion on why they think he did it and it truly sickens me. Have you no shame?
We all grieve differently; sometimes it will take us longer than others and sometimes no matter how hard we try, we never fully heal at all.
My husband and I only reached 5 months of marriage early February and that same week, our biggest test was revealed and we lost our best friend.
The day we came home from our honeymoon, J. Jones came over for dinner and since then, we had him over weekly for cook-outs, dinners and family worship. He was a part of our weekly routine and life has been challenging making adjustments.
I find peace only when I am asleep and I wake up thinking this was all a dream. I reach for my phone to look at the time and see condolence messages and I am reminded that he is no longer here with us. I push through or at least try to and remind myself that I am still a wife and I have responsibilities I need to fulfill. I try to distract myself but I always come back to him and what he left behind. I remind myself that I am not the only one grieving at home, that my husband is as well and that I need to be strong for him. We remind each other that we are not alone in our despair and that there are hearts out there who were also touched by the loss of J. Jones. We have been keeping up with our own spiritual routine as best as we can and while we try to brave our congregation meetings without him, we still shed our tears.
When someone mentions needing help, questions their life or existence, take them seriously.
My husband and I could live the rest of our lives questioning whether or not we did enough for J. Jones, whether we could have saved him, if we could have said this or that more often, if we would have done anything differently but deep down in our hearts, we truly know we did everything for him that we possibly could. We were at his side until his very last day.
There is no doubt in my mind that we could have changed or done anything different in our friendship.
Jehovah gives us comfort in knowing we were good friends to him and that the bond the three of us shared was unbreakable.
We are eternally grateful for the love and light he shed in our lives, for the passion he had for others and for the intense love he had for Jehovah.
J. Jones ran his race and finished, now it’s up to Javier and I to finish our race to see him and be reunited once again. With tears in our eyes, sorrow in our hearts and memories in our minds, we have to continue running our race.
With a confident outlook, I know I will see him again, hear his cackle and his singing again.
I know he’s not here anymore, I know he’s not up above watching me, I know he’s not in an in-between stage, he is in a deep sleep. (Eccl. 9:5, 6, 10)
He is where he cannot be hurt anymore. He is free from all the anxieties of life. Free from the bad thoughts that never truly left his mind. Free from cruel people and cruel words. Free from every trial, free from every error, free from every burden. He is free.
It is with great privilege that his mother has given her blessing to me to create a memorial fund in honor of J. Jones.
My husband and I will be walking our first, “Out of the Darkness” walk in October and it would mean so much to me to have you partake. If you’re local, you can walk alongside my husband and I and if you live afar but would still like to support, you are able to register as a virtual walker. The walk is free and open to anyone and everyone. Though the walk is free, I have set a goal of earning $1,000 in honor of J. Jones to help raise money for the A.F.S.P.
The amount collected will help fund their mission to save lives and give hope to those who are affected by suicide.
Whether you knew J. Jones or not, help support those who still need help like he did. We all need help. Every single one of us. No matter our race, financial or social status, age, family history, education level, etc. We all need help. In some way or another we have all battled with our own minds and the thoughts we have.
You can become an advocate, you can help make a difference in someones life. Even if you cannot afford to donate at this time, help spread this link, share it or don’t but be kind to one another, listen when someone wants to to be heard, and most importantly display unconditional love for one another because that person could be here today, gone tomorrow.
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